BLOGGING FROM A TO Z APRIL 2013 – LETTER “M”

MIND, MOOD and MEMORY

I blogged about this for the Parkinson's P.A.N.D.A. Foundation once. At least I think I did. As I remember it. The funny thing about these three “M” words, is that they are closely linked. We tend to remember our experiences colored by our moods at that moment; good or bad, or blah, or happy, or mad. An obvious statement if ever there.

But, how reliable are our memories really when we are mentally ill, or are dealing with something like a bipolar condition? Or Asperger? Is it possible to go back later on and dissect some incident of the past in a rational manner, when you weren't in a rational state of mind during the incident itself?

My brain is attached to my mouth and it's going constantly.

I think if one is able to look at one's own behavior dead on and honestly, that answer is “yes.” I've done it. Over the past year, I've learned a lot about what it means to live with all manner of odd behavior; running the spectrum of being numb (not catatonic) to just short of schizophrenia. I have a cousin who is schizophrenic and has been most of her life. Consequently, I am shunned by the rest of my surviving family. Not that I give a damn.

Other than my first psychotic break, I've been able to either get on top of my episodes of dementia and remember them, and I've only come close twice to full-blown psychosis again. These are usually brought on my physical triggers and I know I have to get to a hospital. The saving grace is, I remember them. I didn't the first time and that must have been a doozy. The 2^nd time, I called 911, here came the fire trucks and half of the Tampa Police Department. Oh my! I remember Officer Fair and he lived up to his name.

Officer Fair was nice, but nervous. I think he thought I might bite him. My dad cured me of that when I was 4. He bit me back. That shit hurt!

So, either because I'm a fast learner, or because I don't want to spend my life in either the Mental Hospital or Jail, I figured I should learn some of the triggers. Frustration, total lack of understanding by people who should know better and problems with my sugar play huge issues. It's amazing how large a part some of these things can play, especially if they build up day by day. But, everyone has these issues and they don't go off the deep end. This is where the Parkinson's comes in. It is a constant emotional roller coaster. Up and down. There is no even keel. It's like bipolar on speed.

Every once in a while, I get the bradykinesia (freezing, or stop-action movement) associated with Parkinson's. It's weird, just weird. Mostly, I'm ahead of myself. Chronos is broken.

Anyway, I think it is possible to go back and mindfully dissect those memories. Bad mood, good mood, to draw conclusions that will help in the future. I really, really don't want to wake up in some Mental Ward, having been Baker Acted (committed in Florida) again after a month's sleeplessness, with a psychiatrist asking me, “Just what were you trying to do? Hmmm?” 

Source: www.parkinson.org and me.