Friday, July 20, 2012

ROW80 DAY11 PERFECTION IS A STATE OF MIND


SYMBOL OF HAPPINESS IS MY STATE OF MIND - FOR NOW


How very Zen of me. I thought I would type that because that is as close as I am ever going to get. You see, after I posted yesterday's magnum opus, I decided to proofread it; REALLY proofread it, numbers and all. Only I did this after it sat out in cyber land for about 6 or 7 hours, stinking up the neighborhood. Did any of you 2 or 3 eagle eyes who read my drivel, happen to notice the lack of number 11? How about the fact that I am apparently punishing numbers 17 and 18 and have banished them either to their rooms or some kind of digital oblivion, there to remain until they are sufficiently chastened? Yeah, me neither.

No, the simple fact is, that in my usual, crappy-fun-house-mirror-vision way I sort of looked at the words and they kind of formed sentences that vaguely made sense, so we were good to go. Click on that "Publish" button quick. I haven't Twittered, bothered anyone on FB or Runescape for, oh about 45 minutes and they all are missing my airy wit and gentle sarcasm. *Snort.* What they get from me is a bunch of non sequitirs, nonsense, diversions and useless facts. Kind of like this blog. Kind of like my life.

I think it's almost oxymoronic to say that I take life seriously, because it may seem to most that I take nothing seriously, which I prefer everyone to think; less messy that way. Keeping that in mind, I'm sure it's no surprise to anyone, for me to reveal that I am truly bipolar. Yay, me! And what fun it is. Again, I think I am blessed to have found this out at a relatively old age; most people exhibit moderate to severe symptoms at early ages and have a horrific time dealing with it. Suicidal thoughts and tendencies are very common. I never felt that bad, but I have had psychotic breaks, bizarre behaviors, memory loss, and woken up in hospitals, not knowing how I got there.

Usually, there's some guy in a white coat asking me if I meant to do that, whatever "that" was. I've never threatened or harmed myself or anyone; I just do weird stuff. I know, I know, but it's different than my normal weird. All of this is just since last March. At first, I didn't know what to think. I knew I wasn't quite right; I felt "electrified" all the time. I still do, but, I'm better. I am taking a combination of drugs that don't take me to zombieville. I'm still crazy, but I control it. I know it's there. So, I've decided to have fun with it. It's part of my life. So, I may as well add it to the fabric I'm weaving in my loom. 

This is my Happiness Project Totem and I think it's appropriate, for now. 




It's also running at about 200 miles an hour

This was Shared on Facebook today, courtesy of 2 of my favorite ladies, Lyn Griswold and  Bipolar Chick . Please visit them both on FB. They'll probably ask you to tea. I tend to act like this too. There are days when my powers of concentration are wonderful and I can stay on task for 1 or 2 hours at a time. Some days if I can focus for 10 minutes, that's good. I don't sweat that kind of thing. The fate of the free world doesn't depend on me concentrating on a picture of a lion and then hopping over to a puzzle 3 seconds later.

The one thing that I do have to be aware of and I notice this with other bipolars is mood swings. This bipolar thing has pretty much trumped any depression I once had. Admittedly, my depression was more situational, I think. Once I started having acute bipolar symptoms, depression went out the window; I suspect it was pretty mild. What I said about being older? I've lived through a lot and when I feel like I'm losing it, I can get on top of it (with the help of meds) and calm it down. Some people can't. Bipolar chick has lots of Facebook friends who come to her page for support and they get it. It's heartbreaking reading, but so, so necessary. The beauty there is, so many people support the ones suffering at that moment. Without knowing that others are out there and that people care, it's easy to slip over the edge. 

I remember being in my teens, 20s, 30s and 40s. Hell, on my 50th birthday in 2005, I lost a job. Earlier, in November I found out my 3rd husband was cheating on me, I had just gotten out of the hospital with CHF and had to put my deceased mom's cat to sleep on the very day I was released from the hospital. I held him while he was euthanized; I never, ever want to experience that again, but I will. It was one of the best things I ever did.

I was totally blind in one eye and still driving. Why they didn't pull my license I'll never know. My husband was a complete bastard to me and I drank myself to sleep every night, sleeping in my truck in the Publix parking lot, because my heart couldn't take the tension at home. Yeah, brainiac I was; mixing heart meds and beer. Highly recommended. So's sleeping in your truck cab in a grocery store parking lot. Death Wish Much? I was confused and depressed and I was 50 YEARS old and couldn't figure out what to do. My life was a fucking shambles and I thought I knew tough and how to survive and I didn't know a fucking thing and why didn't I just fucking die already. Way to go, asshole. Really honor your mom. Disappoint her one last time.

Well, that didn't happen. This did. I've come a long way and learned more than I ever anticipated. I never counted on being in this place and not working. You know what? It feels pretty good. I don't know if I would have cultivated the observations otherwise. I certainly wouldn't have developed the compassion and the feelings.  We make our own lives.

Okay, enough rah rah. Just remember. My Happiness Project is a bunch of words, at least for now. Later, it might be something the cat horks up on the living room carpet.
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