Monday, April 18, 2016


There is nothing quite so cheery anywhere on earth than Christmas on Nebraska Ave. Random strangers who snarl at each other the other 364 days of the year, snarl “Merry fuckin' Christmas!” at one another wearing Santa hats and pajamas on the bus. The other 364 days, they only wear the pajamas. Just because they're wearing those flannel draw-string pants with some plaid that has long been erased into oblivion by layers and layers of dirt, does not make them pants. They're pajamas, guys and gals. Oh, and also, your Dollar Store slippers are not shoes and since you've been wearing them since 1987, you force the damn bus drivers to keep the bus temperature at -32° F, so the bus doesn't smell like a hog farm. TAKE A BATH!!! You know who you are.   

I'm trying to figure out how in the HELL a bunch of Scots ended up in the Cuban Christmas parade, but then these are not Wallaces and Wallaces barely recognize anyone outside clan Wallace as being a Scot, although we ourselves did not originate from Scotland, and. . . never mind.

But, their Santa hats are brand new. Given out at every damn soup kitchen in the area, they all proudly wear them, even the Muslims; I guess everyone is feeling the spirit. The buses are all gaily festooned with garlands of holly, which invariably start to disintegrate and become misshapen, so that the buses look like they have porn 'staches, or a case of worms.   

I'm really glad I don't live across the street from this guy. The only guy that is worse, is this guy, with his dubstep Christmas crap.

People around here do decorate their houses and most gaudily, too. I cannot imagine what their electric bills must be like. I like looking at all of the lights up and down my street, but I do nothing, not because I don't like Christmas, but O ye Jigs and Juleps! Electricity is expensive! Since my street is inhabited by mostly Hispanic families, they really go all out to see who can put up the gaudiest of light displays. There are some doozies.

Of course, Walmart, being Walmart around here, got it totally wrong and hauled out all of their Easter crap. Check out this picture.                                  

I can just hear the marketing Einsteins at Walmart: "Well, it has some Jesus stuff in it doesn't it?" "Yeah, but the trees and tinsel never arrived." "Here, put out this giant pink bunny and a buncha colored eggs and some of this here purple and orange grass; no one who shops here is bright enough to figure it out."
The only thing better than Christmas on Nebraska, is New Year's Eve. Everyone hauls out their 9mm Glocks, AK-47s and goes to town, along with the firewords displays. We also have a penchant for celebrating New Year's well into February, or if it's a particularly good start to the year, March. We've been known to celebrate the 63rd of January, regularly and a fine time is had by all!   

Christmas time in wonderful Ybor City. They really do put on a wonderful show!


Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

That's a lot of lights. There's a show called the Great Christmas Light Fight where four families compete each week to win fifty thousand dollars. Some of them will just blow your mind. The prize money wouldn't even begin to cover the expenses...

Viola Fury said...


When I lived in Gastonia, NC, MacAdenville had a town-wide contest and it would take hours to get through the lights. The town itself was picture-perfect, but their Christmas displays transformed the place into a fairy-ville and something truly spectacular! <3

Kathe W. said...

wow- and eek! so many lights!

Kathe W. said...

mama mia! Thatsa lotta lights! Great post!