A-TO-Z-LETTER CHALLENGE "B" – ROBERT BROCKWAY, WRITER

 (WARNING: CONTAINS ADULT LANGUAGE)

I cannot remember the first time I read one of Robert Brockway's articles on Cracked.com, the humor website, but it's been years. Robert is not a humorist per se, as was James Thurber; he tends more to sci-fi, or speculative fiction, or whatever the hell they're calling it these days, but I was immediately taken with his writing style, not just because of his use of the English language, which is beautiful and unusual, but because he paints images that linger in the mind. . .

                                                                                                                                                                                                  Dieselpunk

. . . and then follows it up with a picture and more prose that embeds itself for eternity, as well as setting you up for the hilarity that is to follow:

 "Demonstration matches were frequently held at county fairs and stadiums all across the country, though it was most prominent in the Midwest during the early 1910s. It was usually played with a basketball, as seen above, and the only mandated gear was a jaunty cap and a callous disregard for human life. It was every bit as unquestionably awesome as it was uncontrollably, screamingly retarded:"

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/15-old-photographs-that-prove-world-used-to-be-insane_p2/#ixzz2xfoeQ8iL

There is more mayhem regarding "Auto Polo" but really? Is it any more idiotic than any of the crap you see on "World's Dumbest Partiers?" I must admit it is the ONLY show I watch on Tee Vee; all else is Netflix. I've seen entire back seats of sedans strung up between two trees and drunken red necks swinging to and fro and laughed myself into apoplexy when one of them does a face-plant into the dirt. Am I just not enjoying a free, and safe, ride as the lower end of the gene pool continues it's slow, albeit creative slouch towards self-destruction? But, I digress.

Within this same article, after "Auto Polo", is something that is near and dear to my heart, although, I am glad it is not practiced anymore, for the sake of the wildlife involved. It is called "Lion Drome" and yes, it was a thing. Just thinking that we, here in the U. S. ever did something like this should seem astonishing, but crazy stunts with wild beasts and any other wild, insane, dangerous things that will most surely end in tears, regret, blood and shattered limbs is done all the time, even now. 

"Lion Drome" consisted of, um. . . well. . . it was. . . Hell. I'm just going to let Robert describe it for you. 

"I've shown this photo once before, but I don't think I made it totally clear that Lion Dromes were not a fluke. This was just how you took in a show, back in the day. It was like going to the matinee now, only instead of watching Jeremy Renner pout in front of a shaky camera, you had the kids stick their unshielded little faces out over a bowl of automotive trauma and told them to inhale the heady fumes of gasoline and jungle predator.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/15-old-photographs-that-prove-world-used-to-be-insane_p2/#ixzz2xft6IwVD

                                                                                                                                                                                                            Thrillarena

 The first time I saw this picture and could finally stop laughing, I looked at the expression on the lion's face and dubbed him "Executive Lion". He's thinking, "Hmmm, wonder if I ate my briefcase."

I have to dip back into a familiar well and go back to "World's Dumbest" and this time I think it was 2 guys on motorcycles inside a metal ball. . . In Bulgaria, which is already sounding like a bad idea. Here in the good ol' U. S. of A., OSHA isn't exactly busting the chops of cheap carnivals that roam around the country, and since they pretty much dump nuclear waste in the rivers, land and atmosphere with regularity in Eastern Europe, I'm sure they don't give two hoots about a couple of dull-normal siblings in a Bulgarian carny. I was proven right. 

The ball held all right, but the two dudes, after reaching maximum speed did about 2 laps that looked like an insane Wheel-o, before meeting in mid-air and falling into a crumpled heap in the bottom of the metal ball. Who does this? I mean, the ball has to be sturdy enough to hold two full-grown men and two motorcycles, so the bars are rather dense, so you get this impression of a giant atom, with large molecules acting okay, and then, poof! Critical Mass? Fission? . . . and a crumpled heap of men and metal at the bottom. Meanwhile, the "assistant" who had presented this amazing thing with a flair of her hand was off to the side playing "Statues" with her arm still held out, pointing to this 8th wonder of the world. It took her a good minute, or minute and a half to realize all was not going to plan. But I digress.

I could go on for hours about the funny and laugh-out-loud expressions and turns of phrase that Robert Brockway continually amazes me with in his writings. Like any excellent writer, he practices and hones his craft and his diligence and persistence are paying off for him. The publishing house Tor purchased his book, the Unnoticeables at auction, with a three-book, six-figure deal! Tor said the books are "hilarious urban fantasy novels" set in a world that pulls from New York's punk scene in the 1970s as well as the modern-day Los Angeles entertainment industry. The Unnoticeables is tentatively scheduled for July 2015.

Robert's comment on his website, regarding his good news on robertbrockway.net? "That's right -- THREE god damn books coming your way. I am going to literally crush you with an avalanche of my books*.

*Provided you are small and do not struggle too much"

His book RX: A Tale of Negativity is available on Amazon and you can read his articles on Cracked.com. His website is www.robertbrockway.net and he is also a disciple of Chuck Wendig, another hellacious author and fan of establishing a solid work ethic.

Please, please, please be sure and stop by my fabulous team Leader for this challenge, DamyantiG to see her post on action scenes in writing, here: Amlokiblogs: #atozchallenge : A for Action #fiction #writing #quotes

#ROW 80 POST 44 – WE ARE YOUNG AND HAVIN’ FUN 2012

"We Are Young"  fun. Official Video

Sorry PSY; I love you and Berklee College should be proud, but fun. rules!

The title says it all. This post is about all of the stuff in 2012 that made me laugh. When I laugh, I feel young. And dammit, I love to laugh; it is the best high, the best drug in the world and I love to share it with people. I don’t care how stupid it is; I laugh at a lot of stupid stuff and myself as well. When I lived at FSJ, homeless shelter, there were a few of us who laughed all the time, at, well the expense of others… but they didn’t know they were being laughed at, so it was okay… sort of. Anyway, moving on, here’s some of the funny shit of 2012, in no particular order; stuff that made me laugh and I want you to all laugh too:

1)         http://www.theworld4realz.com/cotton-swab-causes-emergency-room-visit/

I’ve tried to tell you why this is one of the most serious funny pieces I’ve ever read, but I can’t stop laughing long enough. The dialog between Andi-Roo and her Hubz, talking to Andi-Roo’s mom, the dawning horror of Andi-Roo when she realizes what the nurse really means by “safe at home,” and it’s not big shards of glass on the floor or cleaning her ears with a knife, or the “dumb-ish” nurse, the whole piece is flat-out hysterical, even on like the 5^th reading.

I've heard the adjective "fearless" applied to ol' Nic here. Maybe he should get some. Fear, I mean.

2)         Is actually a post I can’t find, but it has this very boffo picture of Nic Cage in bear suit in “Wicker Man,” a remake of the 1973 “classic.” I do have the picture and I’ve posted it here for you to enjoy, but back to Nic; I never saw either of the “Wicker Man” movies; the older is supposedly classic, but I hear the newer one sucks out loud. I ran across this picture in a “Worst Movie of…” on Cracked.com. There are not enough superlatives to describe what I felt upon seeing this picture. Feel free to supply your own.

*Burp* I wonder if I have Briefcase-Breath?

3)         Lion Drome. I actually thought JC was going to have to take me to the hospital for this. I literally stopped breathing during this awesome post on Cracked.com by Robert Brockway. Having “PD or non-PD, that is the question,” for some reason, also causes me to laugh harder and cry harder and to call Mr. Brockway, “Bwockway” for some reason. I hope he has gotten over that. I bought his book, too. Eventually, I may be able to read it. If my eyes ever settle down. In March. In the meantime, check out this “Executive Lion,” or better yet, read his whole post @ 

http://www.cracked.com/blog/15-old-photographs-that-prove-world-used-to-be-insane/ and a tip of the hat to Mr. Robert Bwockway, who has provided me with hours of hysteria and apoplexy. Enough clap for him and on with our merriment.

4)         This is something that I ran across in our freebie newspaper that comes out 5 days a week, the Tampa Bay Times. It’s called the “Zim Bear.” The link connects to the whole post and the post itself is interesting for a couple of reasons. I wrote it during a very brief period of lucidity, when I was writing my S.I.F.O.T.S. blog, on March 2, 2012. It’s actually kind of hilarious, in hindsight, now. February 29^th, 2012, I wrote, “Chthulhu Doesn’t Live Here Anymore,” which was wishful thinking on my part. He lives here part-time now. I just collect the mail and water his plants. I really should write a follow up post, “Chthulhu, is that Yhouhlhu?” but I so confused myself just trying to type that, I think I’ll leave that moment of whimsy alone.

So, the rest of THAT month is pretty sketchy and some of this I don’t remember, but this is when the tremors moved in and stayed, along with my bipolar symptoms, for real. If I weren’t so damned rational and old, I’d probably have jumped off the roof. The fact that I understand what is going on, makes all of the weirdness pretty easy to deal with. That and the hella medicines my psychiatrist makes sure I get. The Tampa Police Department are good to me as well. “PD or non-PD, THAT is the question?”

5)         Oh! Speaking of. @YumaBev. I cannot have a list of hilarity without the Numero Uno funniest lady on the planet! Funny was still abed when she got up. Over at Parkinson’s Humor, I couldn’t believe it when she was trying to figure out a way to live blog her DBS surgery! Yup! That’s our girl! Only Bev would come up with that corker! A crappy day won’t dare show it’s face around her! I laugh just thinking about her. YumaBev is one of those people that when you think of her, you’re glad to be a member of the human race; she’s that great. Without her and others like her, Jim and Penny Adams, Cyndee Bowen, and P.A.N.D.A., all  tireless workers, their grace and insights, it would be so hard for anyone with Parkinson’s or any Movement Disorder to understand and deal with and try to navigate any of the medical care systems and understand more importantly, the symptoms. Bev and her (now mine, too) buddies are reassuring, and fun. Back to more fun.

 Check out Bev's websites Parkinson's Humor and YumaBev.com and @YumaBev on Twitter. Her book Parkinson's Humor is available on Amazon.com and the proceeds go towards a cure for the disease. A worthier woman and a dearer one to my heart, would be hard to find in this hemisphere.

6)         Spiders. Yeah, I know. Most of the world (of 15 readers?) just jumped off my blog, ¼ of you went ewww!. The rest of us went, SQUEE!! It depends on the type of spider. Nikki McCormack wrote about them and started with the cute little fuzzy type of jumpers and I can’t believe anyone thinks those are icky or scary. We have a batch of them that live on our porch banister and they have their little territories staked out. Once in a while, they bump into one another and jump! Turn and dart off, very synchronized. I think they’re cute as hell. They stay outside and don’t intrude on anyone else’s space. I loved Nikki’s description of Harvester spiders; something about walking death, as I recall.

We did have an interloper; a brown recluse got in the house, when we were living in the homeless shelter. JC got him, we were moving anyway; that was just a little added incentive. We had already been dealing with bedbugs. We didn’t need rotting flesh on top of that.

Anyway, check out the world’s funniest video on why not to film a jumping spider:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/a2ab701e7e/why-not-to-film-a-spider

7)         So, this gets us to the 2012 Presidential election, with all the signs, portents and many important issues and timely questions and serious discussions. The tone was pretty well set by the world's largest and continuous, party, Twitter. I thought that after 2000, the election was an aberration, because it took a month. It turned out I was wrong. The election of 2012, according to who you listened to, was a continual ongoing work of art, a Noh drama, bushido in style, or a train-wreck. Romney, Ryan, Rovian and nothing less than epic. The fact that Hurricane Sandy intervened and Governor Chris Christie got to play Orestes to Romney's Agemnon made it all the more epic-er!

What made it so extra-fun was being IN Twitter and reading and sometimes even trying to come up with witticisms in reaction to the shit that one Mitt Romney was saying, however, our fearless leader, President Obama was holding his own, and Mr. Chuck Wendig an awesome, awesome writer, who blogs "Terrible Minds" was also adding to the hilarity with his #fakedebate; once again, JC was at the ready, poised to dial 911, when I came up for air:

I can honestly say that I have never, ever enjoyed political discourse so much. I am sure that Mark Twain, H.L. Mencken et. al,, would agree.

8)         Winding this up, I thought I’d include one of my own idiocies. I come from a family that celebrates its idiocies, much in the way Rome allowed her generals to celebrate victories with triumphs. The only dilemma here is which of my many stupidities garners the honor.

Could it be the time I followed myself on my own blog? That was a good one, but wasn’t really all that complicated and didn’t require the level of air-headedness or denseness necessary, nor the prolonged state of confusion I typically exhibit.

How about the time I “rebutted”  Andi-Roo on a #ROW80 post about Suicide and then, in a swift, rapier-like and extremely cunning move, worthy of Errol Flynn and Dr. No, I submitted MY post title, with HER verbiage, so SHE rebutted HERSELF? The editor, Wayne Borean was probably swamped; knows us both and just went with it. The twin posts festered around on the internet and on Paper.li for a few hours before I caught the error and fixed it. A huge MEA CULPA followed and lots of falling on my cyber-sword. Andi-Roo, was vastly amused, as I knew she would be. Thanks Zeus for that wonderful woman. Had it been anyone else, I would have had to change my name and move to Neptune. That’s not really quite showy enough. I could go back and scratch around in my old blog posts and what not, but I’m just too damned lazy.

This stupid Parkinson’s Disease, not-Parkinson’s Disease, that is the question leaves me tie-rd. I sleep 11 or 12 hours a night sometimes. I got up today around noon. Ate breakfast, took vitamins and I’m ready for a nap. I digress. PD, or non-PD seems to be a lot like the elephant in the room. I keep wanting to pretend that everything is the same, but my damned brain will not allow for that.

So, I’ve got what seems to be a perpetual geek show in my head. Everything is weird. “Chthulhu is that Yhoulhu?” should be a sit-com in my head. Anyway, the last thing that I did that counts for a stellar idiocy that had me laughing for a while, was this doozy:

This is what happens when I cook

Now, to top it off, yesterday, when I was getting off the bus at the grocery store, this topped it off. There was a little round woman, very jolly, a sort of Mrs. Claus type, saying “God Bless,” to one and all as they exited. I, as everyone knows, am a hardwired creature, like a cat. I do the same thing, every time. I get up, cane and all and brace myself for the next stop. I don’t like to stand in one place too long. I prefer to be a moving target, as it were. She says something about me not falling, or am I okay, or am I really blind and I hear her say “Or is that your hustle?” It didn’t register for a minute. I stood there, with a blank look, so she repeated herself. I grinned and said, “It’s 3 things; it makes a good weapon, too.” We both laughed, as I got off the bus. That shit cracked me up.

I know I haven't blogged for a few weeks. I've been deliberately lying low, due to my neurological whatever, which is a bore, but there it is. I am pleased  and proud to announce that I will be hosting Jade Kerrion's Double Helix Tour on Wednesday, January 2, 2013! She is a wonderful writer and just a wonderful person. To celebrate the launch of Perfect Betrayal and Perfect Weapon, Perfection Unleashed will be available for only 0.99 at Amazon, (down from $2.99) for the duration of Jade's virtual book tour through March 1, 2013. Her writing is thrilling and I think, prophetic in many ways.

#ROW80 POST 15 – LET THAT BE YOUR LAST BATTLEFIELD

Apologies to “Star Trek,” the Original series for stealing a season three title. This was a Very Special Episode of Space Racism is Bad and falls under the heading of it’s so bad, it’s good. Thanks to the A.V. Club for reminding me how much I thought it was so important when I was 12.

Okay, during tonight's debate, I had one of my apoplexies brought on by laughter. We were reading the Twitter feed hashtag #fakedebate, mostly for @chuckwendig, Check out his website, terribleminds. Chuck is a terrific writer and funny as hell. I can spend hours and hours wandering around there. I've learned lots, but mostly just laughed. You can kind of tell I haven't really applied too much of his wonderful advice. Maybe NaNo will change that. 

Anyway, yes, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield." A few things happened. First, from the Rhomboid, we got the something something something garble about some kind of von Clausewitzian philosophy about diplomacy by any means blabberian thing from Romney alá bayonets and horses and marches to the sea via Georgia or Iran or Syria or Mars.

Romney: "We used to have reed vessels, but we have less of them now, less of them at any time, since 1349. We have fewer planes now, than at any time since 1947.” Or maybe it was the Civil War. Yeah, the Civil War Airplane Collection, now at the Smithsonian. I can dig that.

Me, thinking “I know that’s correct, because that’s when the Army-Air Force dropped the Army-hyphen.”  I know that we also have 

Romney: “Bargle Army, blabber less than during the Punic Wars blah blah. Siege engines, Greek fire… Roman galleys! Triremes!”

I’m thinking… Frankly, I'd tuned out...  When Mr. Obama started to talk, I perked up. The President unloaded with this, and I'm giving you MY patented confuse-a-what impression:

President Obama: " ‘We also have fewer horses and bayonets’. We have these floaty things with big platforms on top. Planes land on them. We also have these ships… (pauses for effect, in his patented way) they go underwater.”

The President gestured with his hands, mimicking something going underwater, much like, oh, I don’t know… a submarine?

I almost fell out of my chair. Then, Twitter exploded. It always does; with this:

What passed for political discourse on Twitter during the debate. Oh, look! There's @YumaBev She just had DBS!

Fuckwhistle? So, of course, I laughed even harder. I'm going to use "fuckwhistle" every chance I get. Fuckwhistle, fuckwhistle fuckwhistle. Okay, enough. I don't want to upset my Dads and Moms. My “PD or not-PD” has been very bad of late. It didn’t help that at the first of the month, all of my hopes were shattered by the specialists I was depending on to help me manage my symptoms. So, I can laugh myself into apoplexy pretty easily; it’s just that much more exciting! And it was fucking hysteria. I’m sorry, that shit right there was a riot. (All of it moves too fast for me to reply, but I sure can laugh.)

So, we moved on. JC and his commentary weren’t helping. Romney continued to dig himself into a giant hole. I think he was aiming for  the other side of the planet. By the time we got to I WAS BORN IN DETROIT, MEXICO, JC had about worn himself out guffawing. I looked at him, shrugged my shoulders and on we went with gabbagool and propaganda. I never know what in the hell I’m hearing anyway. Everything’s at high alert because of my blindness, coupled with my DEFCON5 brain and hooting ears, so I try to pretend that everything’s normal. When I think no one’s looking, I run back and fact-check everything. So, I didn’t realize that we had a huge boner here, until just NOW. Oops.

I do not understand his focus on Russia. Oh wait, yes I do. He, under the auspices of Bain Capital, either helped or encouraged Investment Cartels to underwrite and fund loans to Russia and then sell the paper before the true worth could be realized. I don’t understand it completely; I’m not an economist. I took 2 years of Russian in college, and because I studied it during the USSR and was considered a closed economy, I took a  course in Russian economics; one of my electives.

What Bain Capital did was during a time of great peril for a fledgling democracy, and damn, if a fucking bunch of Capitalists didn’t screw it up. The Commies may have been right. I found a bit of insight into why Russia has the President it does now, when I read a couple of articles. The one was about 2 Russian billionaires, one with ties to Putin. The other is by David Stockman, called “David Stockman v. Bain Capital.” Lots of dots are connected for me, just with those 2 articles and what little rudimentary knowledge I bring to it from university.

Lots of dots are connected for me, just with those 2 articles. Then, after Mittens said what he said? Kept jabbering like a cold warrior about Russia... He’s dangerous. I mean, really dangerous. I also, am no fan of the Israeli PM. Bibi was never moderate. He hates the Arab world with an Old Testament kind of Zionist hatred. He is scary, and I’m not too sure the Knesset is wild about him, either.

Bob Schieffer jumps in… and asks Mitt: “If your good friend Bibi called and said he sent fighters to bomb Iran, what would you do?” I love how Bob Schieffer does this kind of thing; and does it well. He’s an excellent moderator and he’s no dummy.

Mitt proceeds to jabber and wander and hypothesize and say, “I’m not going there” in 50 Shades of Nothing. Then after Mittens meandered around, I blipped out and did the 1,000 yard stare and thought… “This asshole is dangerous. I mean, really really, dangerous. I also am no fan of the Israeli PM. Bibi was never moderate.” What I said to JC was, “Pink socks!” So, moving along out of Boreville. We get back to DETROIT, MEXICO.

Apparently, DETROIT, MEXICO is an INDUSTRY. It is going to be LIQUIDATED. Gosh, I didn’t realize you could annihilate an entire INDUSTRY! But oh wait! Mitt never said that! No, never, never never never never never! Never, so there. But he didn’t like it when President Junior Bush wrote a check and he told him not to. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. President Junior Bush wrote the fucking check, anyway. Garble garble, blah-di-blah. zzzzzzzz.

No, President Junior Bush. This isn't a check for the Detroit, Industry, which I am totally, totally, totally, totally against. This is a baby.

President Obama jumps in and says something that makes sense. They actually say some stuff about how this was all great and wonderful and the debates are all over and la-di-da-de-da-di-da. Jesus, I’m glad they’re over. I already voted, but the Mittster is horrid. Now, we have the election. Twitter will explode again. That’s the bright spot here, folksve the election. Twitter will explode again. That’s the bright spot here, folks!