Sunday, December 30, 2012

#ROW 80 POST 43 – SUNDAY CHECK-IN – TRUTHINESS IN ADVERTISING



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I am pleased  and proud to announce that I will be hosting Jade Kerrion's Double Helix Tour on Wednesday, January 2, 2013! She is a wonderful writer and just a wonderful person. To celebrate the launch of Perfect Betrayal and Perfect Weapon, Perfection Unleashed will be available for only 0.99 at Amazon, (down from $2.99) for the duration of Jade's virtual book tour through March 1, 2013. Her writing is thrilling and I think, prophetic in many ways.

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I know that ROW 80 is on hiatus. I also know that I posted #44 yesterday, so yeah, I apparently can’t count. I’m trying to knock off the hard-wired anality that is me. I know that I pretty much ditched the last half of it too, due to “illness.” If Wayne Borean wants me to bring a note from home, I’ll channel Mom and see if she’s willing to provide. She should be, since she follows me around and has been busy fucking up every single clock in my house all these years, except for when I was homeless. I can’t blame her there, I wouldn’t have followed me, either, had I a choice. Ma can’t even provide a decent haunting; she just louses up all my clocks so that nary a one tells the same time. The least she can do is provide a note to the headmaster telling him I’m batshit insane and here the analogy just ran off the road.

Well, I wanted to bitch about advertising anyway. The kind that is on TV. I actually avoided “TV” for quite a while and had a good streak going there. We kind of got around it with HULU and DVDs and I didn’t have to watch 35 episodes of “Walker, Texas Ranger” in a row, or "COPS" which has become unintentionally hilarious, due to the fact that every time it’s from Tampa or Hillsborough County we recognize both the miscreant and the law enforcement officer. If we still drank, it’d be a hella drinking game. Take a drink every time you recognize Officer Friendly and his playmate, Quandarious Hammond!

I’m okay with this and JC can watch the things he likes; besides "Walker" and "COPS," he enjoys the Animal Planet and "Criminal Minds" and "NCIS". All cool stuff and the last two are shows that won’t kill off any more of my brain cells, but My God and all that is Holy! The fucking advertisers are horrible! The tag lines alone are an insult to anyone with an IQ over 12. To wit:

Some woman facing the camera bellows, “Women! We have to get real about what goes on in the bathroom!” Oh. Really? What was I doing before? Was pooping into a little hole a trip to Fantasy Island? What the fuck? Never mind dealing with toilet paper and wrapping up sanitary napkins or tampons or all of that hoo-ha when we menstruated, for those of  us who are of the distaff nature. Thank god that Acid Trip is over. Please, Mrs. Spokes person, tell me how I can make my bathroom experience “real.” Should I have been wiping my ass with my toothbrush? No? Maybe I should put my deodorant on my ass? No? Maybe a little mascara, since I’m too stupid to know that I’ve just been unreal in the bathroom all these years. Then, this dim-bulb woman goes on to say, “I like to feel clean, really clean.” Not ME! I want to run outside and roll around in the mud after I go to the john! Thanks, Quilted Northern Ass-Wipe for making women sound stupider than ever.

If I had some Internet Darts...

Would someone please, please, please tell Gallagher to stop that shit. It’s not funny in 2012. It will not be funny in 2013. It wasn’t funny in 1987 or whenever he last plagued my existence. My best friend at the University of Michigan was a total Gallagher fan and I wasn’t. What we do for friends is hard to believe; I’m no saint and I’d do it for her again; Cynthia I miss you. God rest your soul.


Not. Funny. Ever. Ever. Give Geico a refund.

There’s a kind of commercial that is supposed to be “sophisticated.” Walker 46 shows a glass of whiskey and plays this cool-cat kind of music on the piano, with snare drum and rim-shot. Very cool. Very grown-up in a 1964 kind of way. Unfortunately, I remember those mornings after my parents had those parties and the living room smelled like cheap cigars and farts, so the urban suavity and cool sophistication is kind of lost on me. That’s what that music reminds me of.

Cigar ashes, farts, regret and hangovers. Sophistication, yeah...

CDW and Charles Barkley. These have to be the most hilarious, knowing and dead-on commercials in the history of. CDW has the client mentality down, certainly, after years of dealing with, well, clients. Charles Barkley and the fat, little red-haired dude, who is the caddy are hilarious. Charles took golf lessons and is still, bar none, the worst golfer in the world. He knows it and is okay with it. I idolize Charles Barkley. He doesn’t care that he’s that horrible. When he says “So you my caddy, blah blah” and caddy replies “you have a bunker to the left of you, a bunker to the right of you… remember, this is Client golf” and hands Charles an iron the size of his head, I crack up every time. Charles just looks at it. Great stuff.


I wonder if that club is a Mac?

So, general adverts are still in the main, horrid. People are still being paid to write shit and talk down to their audiences, and trying to make us want crap we don’t need. Some things never change.
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