Thursday, December 13, 2012


With a complete lack of any other idea, I have decided to start a post about the warnings regarding side effects caused when taking certain medications. If I stick to writing this, I may even finish the bastard. The last several attempts, produced actual posts, but my win-loss record overall, is dismaying.

Anyway, so yeah; medicine, medications, salves, pills, injections, you-name-it. Over-the-counter or prescription, topical, taken internally; it doesn’t matter. These things can do some pretty frightening ju-ju to your tender self, if you’re susceptible, or if you abuse the shit. Some of this crap causes side-effects even if you look at it, or handle it improperly. Poof! Up in smoke! Just like nitroglycerin!

Now, I’m not talking about the warnings for chuckleheads on ridiculously obviously stuff, like you see on costume Superman or Bat Capes: (Warning: Cape does not enable wearer to fly. This one’s stupid anyway. Batman never could fly, he had a Bat ‘copter and he had all kinds of shit in his Bat Utility Belt, so that one was just wrong.)

This might have looked more sinister if not taken half in the SUNLIGHT.
On second thought, no.

No, I’m talking about the Cripes-a-Mighty side effects and warnings that are plastered all over a bottle of pills that you get from your friendly pill-pusher pharmacy or your witch doctor. I am currently taking Cymbalta for depression, 30 mg per day. It works and THANK GOD, I do not have any of the following:

·       Nausea
·       Dry mouth
·       Sleepiness
·       Fatigue
·       Constipation
·       Dizziness
·       Decreased appetite
·       Increased sweating

But, you know what? This is kind of boring. There’s another drug I heard about, that I have not yet had to take; I'll get to that in a minute. I’m also on Topamax and it has a batch of side effects too:

·       Unusual sensations, such as burning or tingling
·       Fatigue
·       Drowsiness
·       Mental and physical slowing or delays
·       Nervousness
·       Upper respiratory infection
·       Coordination problems
·       Weight loss
·       Loss of appetite
·       Taste changes
·       Confusion
·       Difficulty with concentration or attention
·       Nausea

Hmm, some of that sounds an awful lot like some of the Parkinson's Disease symptoms, I was experiencing BEFORE I started taking Topamax, along with the others; tremors, drooling, stiffness, ball-o-toes 'n' fingers, etc. Still have that and all this other shit, now that I'm taking Topamax because I’m bipolar and have a tendency to get really, really, really psychotic, and there's a chance I might get violent, 'cause I have this thing called "poor impulse control," and a kinda sorta violent streak for a girl, so, at first I was taking some other anti-psychotic drug. I can’t even remember the name now. I just remember the One Warning, “If you itch and break out, get to the ER immediately!” I itched and got to said ER, where I was Presto! Change-O! put on Topamax! So, now, along with the above, I risk these lovely side effects: 

·       Mood problems
·       Decreased sense of touch
·       Viral infections
·       Abdominal pain (stomach pain)
·       Joint pain
·       Weakness
·       Sore throat
·       Dry mouth
·       Indigestion
·       Mood problems
·       Back pain

Plus, the ability to write horrible run-on sentences. Well, shit. I’ve EXPERIENCED (Hello? Who hasn't?) all of this and more. I had all, or most of this BEFORE I took the Topamax. I still have ALL (Hello? Who doesn't?) of this, I just am no longer on a hair-trigger. I still have an inclination to bust heads now and then, but it's just an idle notion, and aimed at the unjust bullies of the world. Of course, looking at this list of bullshit, you can see why anyone would be in a pissy mood. Jeepers!

This other drug that I’ve heard about, but have not yet had to take is for ADHD. Oh, please God, no. Even if I had it, I would tell no one. There’s a new drug that has “can cause tics” as a side effect. Un-fucking-real. The tag line says, “Blah takes care of my ADHD, I do the rest.” I’d do the “rest” by hopping off a fucking bridge if I had to take a drug that gave me tics.

At first, I thought it was "ticks" like "woodticks." I wondered why anyone would want insects as a side effect. Then, when I realized it was "tics," I was all like, "HELL NO!"

keeping in basements and eating pets occur in 10% of patients. If you miss a dose, please jump from your roof, shouting "AIYEEEEE" on the way down, while taking 2 doses, at your next regularly scheduled eclipse. If you begin to levitate, cease taking your medication and call your exorcist immediately." That's the shGeeze, if a drug is going to give you side effects, they should be fun side effects. For instance, I want that medicine that says: "May cause sightings of the dead. You may sprout horns and/or cloven hooves. Cases of hot-dog finger have been noted in clinical trials. Instances of Chthulu setting up houseit I wanna take.

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