ROW 80 4th QUARTER POST 3, WEDNESDAY CHECK IN – RUNESCAPE REPORT FROM THE FRONTLINES ZAMORAK GODWARS DUNGEON, THE GOOD NEWS? I DIDN’T DIE

The bad news, I didn’t get any of the loot. To be honest, I didn’t really care. First off, getting me anywhere in a group is a major accomplishment. No, I didn’t finish “Eadgar’s Ruse” quest. I didn’t find this out until I tried to use 2 fire runes and 2 law runes and went precisely no where. 3 of our gang of 5 had already left and were up there ketting there kill count. I suspect they were off looking at troll porn or reading “50 Shades of Guthix” or watching the S. F. Giants tear up the L. A. Dodgers, (Congratulations, Steve!) but they certainly weren’t reading or watching the “50 Fails of ViolaFury” either.

So, when I logged into  Runescape after having baked some salmon and sautéed fresh mushrooms and made corn on the cob and drenched butter and capers and lemon on the salmon, and butter on the rest, I was pretty much not at my brightest, so from ½ a loaf to ¼ a loaf, perfect mindset for creating death and destruction on Runescape, especially my own.

I start the action, when asked what my setup is. I said, “bronze scimitar and goblin armor.” My friend Killa C9 says, “be a hero and use a bronze mace.” I riposte back “Fuck that. I’m going grow a big set of hairies and go for the bronze dagger.” I know I’m home. Believe it or not, we're not 13-year old boys. We're all adults. Some of us are middle-aged women, who are degreed and... never mind.

ViolaFury

Combat lvl121

Just to show how truly stone badass we all are, we’ve got these Bau5 names: Nero Sama, who was last known as Hellson23 (See: Witness Protection Program) Damnation Day, (who is more badass in real life as "Bryan," and lives across the bay in from me) Killa C9, (aka who we don’t ask his real name; I think, he’d have to kill us, he’s Military) and Sergio Romo (aka BMNP, aka Steve, aka the biggest Giants fan ever.) Steve IS his real name, I know. What a shock. 

Why he picked "Sergio Romo" I don't know. I know why he picked BMNP and I was all "ewwww." I don't want to know about "Sergio Romo." And me. I’ve always been Viola or Mary, for the love of the former and I can still remember my name. I will always be that. I have trouble with my own one reality. I don’t need 12 or 249 of them.

So, Nero is the one who is really pro at this GWD stuff. The big bad Dude, Kahuna, Nex or whatever is supposedly really bad and he knows what to do to kill it and not get killed. I’m here with some idealized LOTR bullshit that we’re all going to have this merry little jaunt and fight many orcians or what-have-yous, and share our lives and wonder what it’s all about. I have not one clue why I take off into this EPIC MOVIE MODE now and then, at the most peculiar times. Probably because I’m mentally ill. I know who these people are. They’re my friends; if we were to be a movie, it might be more “From Dusk Til Dawn” only we’re all George Clooney Yeah, right. Everyone’s a smart ass.

Except poor Nero thought I needed help, so he proceeded to give me about 50 times the amount of stuff I could possibly carry. I had a battle tortoise and a couple extras and the poor things kept dying, because I did forget summon pots and we had to walk. The reason we had to walk is because ViolaFury for all her Bau5-ness is just as blind in RS as she is irl and she can’t finish Eadgar’s Ruse or any quest where there is a maze, so Viola walks. Between Nero and Viola, there were easily 100 million gold pieces just in armor and weapons on our little bodies alone, but, actual money? I had 5, Nero had bupkus, 0. So we couldn’t buy climbing boots. We tried killing the woman who sold the boot’s chickens, but they just drop bones and fur, no coins; shit. Still undaunted, we proceeded to punch our way north through those fucking throwing trolls until I got to 3 rocks, skinned my knee and said “Ow.” We couldn’t climb those rocks without climbing boots.

Nero said, “I can’t fucking believe this.” The other 3 hobbitses, er, our "friends" had long ago run on up ahead to the dungeon and were merrily killing zammy meanies that you have to kill prior to getting into the Big Guy, or Guys as it turned out. So much for the road trip. They were saying things like: 

Damnation: “Yeah, ya have to wait for Viola, ‘cause she’s like… 90!!! Do you have your holy-blessed walker?” Asshole. 

Sergio: “Hurry up, before they release the next game update!” 

Damnation: “Happy New Year! I can’t believe it’s 2027!!!” 

Killa: “I wonder if summoning creatures go to summon heaven or hell when they die, or are they just napping?” 

I’m waiting at the skinned-my-knee place, while Nero runs south and gets boots out of his bank. Like me, he probably has 50 billion pair. He was able to run back and trade me a pair. I put them on and my yak dies. Shit. I summon a new one, pick up all the shit the dead one dropped. Some asshole bystander calls me “noob,” (30% rule still in play*) Off we go.

We run north into the freezing cold. My energy drops to zero. All you can really do is rest. Nero is staying with me. He tells me to rest. Killa is down below in the main dungeon. He says “Stay away from the Gorak, right?” Nero: ”Yes, they something something something” I couldn’t see what he said. I was up and down the hole and it was confusing, so many people running around.

This is the 1st dungeon 

I got my 40 kills and we crossed the bridge to the big boss’ room. I was really thrown off at first. I used to go to King Black Dragon at least once a week and got the majority of the kills. It’s been years since I did anything like this and I died immediately the last time I came here. I kind of hung back. By the second spawn, I remembered who I am and how to do this and warmed up to it. I didn’t die, but damn! I came close. At one point, I was down to 83 less than 10% of my health. Poor Killa did die, so he must be avenged! We shall prevail! Oh yeah the “something something something?” They all have personality disorders. The monsters. With our old crew from SpiritZ, it’s a given.

Nex: She/he was a Pain In The Ass...

Combat lvl 1001

ROW 80 4th QUARTER POST 2 – THE GOD WARS DUNGEON OF RUNESCAPE

I, uh, ran into some old friends last night. From about 4 years ago. We had a very active and storied Clan in Runescape. By active, I mean not one day went by, that we didn’t do something together. Everyone in that clan either worked from home, like me, or just didn’t work and stayed home and partied, like Steve and a few others, or they were in school, and played from the Library, like Wolf and Zawar, or did a combination; partied, worked from home and read library books. That would be me.

Anyway, I was on RS last night and blabbering along with Bryan about food, and different cheeses and meat and what we really like in a sandwich and blah-di-blah-di-blah-de-blah. He works at one of the SweetBay delicatessens in Clearwater. I go to the Sweetbay here in Tampa and they have the same product lines and it’s all great, so we were comparing notes and I was getting some nift tips on deli "Goodies I Have Overlooked." Thanks Bryan! By the way, we’re doing all this jabbering while “skilling.” I got sick of killing stuff. For once. I know. I must be in love or something. No, I decided to make runes for a while and calm down. I got swarmed by trolls and my heart rate zoomed up. Not good for Parkies. Shit. I may as well go knit.

So, while Bryan and I are swapping food faves, up pops Hellson23, whom I thought had died or gone to Mars. He just disappeared off the face of Runescape, which is practically the same thing as earth, right, oh about 4 years ago. It’s been that long. He’s been around, only he’s going by the name “Nero Sama.” Runescape is one giant and certainly the best Witness Protection Program on earth. Whole countries could hide on RS. He thought I knew it was him, he pops up and says “Hey Remember me?” Umm no, I don’t. He helps, “It’s Hellson!” I’m like, “OMG! Hellson! How the Hell are you?”, thinking it sounds really stupid to repeat “Hell” twice in a sentence, especially, when the 1^st time, it’s part of my friend’s name.  

Hellson23 was one of the leaders of the Clan SpiritZ years ago. Everyone has had a chance to lead SpZ bravely into the future and go forth and strive mightily. What we all did, was pretty much lead SpZ into the ground. The Clan was originally formed by MasterJZ33 and his merry band of cohorts, misfits and pranksters and a great group of folks they are. SpZ as the Clan came to be known far and wide in RS and was widely respected (?) as a fair clan, but also as a clan where fun was to be had. An aside, as my love, JC puts it so beautifully, “When I’m having fun, I FUN!” This was from the night JC tortured all the little animal crackers; his little “victims.” He bites off all the legs, a head or two and then eats the bodies, chortling all the way. Every time I go to SweetBay, he puts “bag o’ victims” on the shopping list. I buy 2.

Anyway, one of Hellson’s more spectacular feats was to talk me into going along on a trip to God Wars Dungeon. He said, “Get some Zammy stuff, meaning armor and weapons and we’ll go to GWD, it’s fun!” Me, being… well, an idiot, said, “okay!” This was back in the day. Hell’s Bells, it’s still back in the day. For all of my supposed strength and skill, they keep adding more and bigger monsterses and things that drain your run, your will to live, your soul and kill kittens and burn marshmallows and turn My Little Ponys to Grey. Not even 50 Shades of, just that shitty 60s-TV-black-and-white-grey. So, you know, that’s some serious shit, right there.

Last time we all went, we took half of Runescape, not including the NPC’s (non-playing characters, monsters); there are already enough of those fuckers you have to kill just to get an invite to get in the main door to Big Kahuna or Dude, or whatever moniker he’s hiding under. If he’s so fucking strong, why doesn’t he just come out and fight like a… oh yea, this is a quest, only it’s not called a quest; it’s a mini-game; “high-risk.” Still, we’re goddamned Frodo and Sam Wise. Anyway. So, you walk north for 43 eons. I almost died of old age. I’m not the youngest player in this stupid game, although, there are players in their 90s, so I guess with great age, wisdom is NOT necessarily conferred. Oh well.

Right, walk, walk. Walk. Walk. Push a boulder, fall down a hole 40 feet, from what I remember. I think I was drunk. Land on a pile of my friends… and… can’t get up. Or, stand, run, or something. We’re frozen. Our faculties start to come back, piecemeal. People are confused; lots of us haven’t been there before and we’re all wailing and bitching. As we start coming back to ourselves, I find out that there our 40 of these little bastards we have to kill BEFORE we can even get into the room with the Big Dude.

I’m pissed now. I’m all like “Fuck this Shit!” Goddamn it! What the Hell is this bullshit! Sephiroth Demands to Know!” People are laying these little pests out all around me. We’re 1-hitting these things and running around. I think we were a bit frantic. You can’t just log out and you can’t teleport out, either. You have to kill your way out or die. What a relaxing way to pass the time!

50 Shades of My Little Pony

Now, this might be worth reading

I actually killed my 40 whatever-they-weres pretty quickly and charged into the room with the Big Dude quickly. My mistake. Just as I ran into the room, I saw all the archers and magers up front taking the heat. Meleers in the back. In Runescape, as in real life, a person who melees is using a contact weapon; a sword, scimitar, whip, halberd. The archers of course use longbows, shortbows, crossbows and mages use a variety of spells or battlestaves.

When I first started in Runescape, I toyed with all of it; ranging, mage and melee. I kept going back to melee. I remember when I went to Japan when I was a girl and being in the Imperial Palace and seeing the beautiful Samurai armor and swords there and wanting to hold that sword. I wanted to feel the heft and balance of it. I imagine it must be very much like holding my viola bow. My viola bow weighs 72 grams; it is a heavy bow. It is as keenly balanced as any sword. With it I can dance on a string, so lightly you have to put your ear next to the viola to hear it whisper. I can also tear the guts from Wolf and make him roar.  I saw those swords in Kyoto and they were so fine and precious; I know in my heart I belong to the melee class.

So, I go tearing into this room and this Giant Dude is fighting my archer and mager friends! So, I go tearing up in front of them, forgetting everything Hellson had told me. Which was? I forgot… what was it? Who the hell is yelling over TeamSpeak? What? “Mary, this isn’t King Black Dragon! That shit will get you dead. Run to the back, get to the corner, get to the corner, turn on your prayer, turnonyourprayer, gettothecorne…”  Oh yeah, turn on prayer, get to the corner, stay to the bac…HHHRRROARRR!!!  

…Wake up in Falador, cause you’re dead. Shit! I can’t even tell you what that thing looked like; I have a general impression of a giant 2-story brown turd with beady eyes and a parrot beak, but I’m probably mistaken. Oh, and little meerkat hands. That’s probably some shit my brain just blurped up because I hate non-speficity. Did I mention it’s penguin feet? It had those too, if I looked down, I can’t remember now.

Now this is me: I’MDEAD I’MDEAD I’MDEAD I JUST LOST ELEVENTY JILLION STUFFS!!! (repeat incoherently 87,000 times) I just turned into a 3-year old. The team actually blessed my grave and helped me back up there and I killed the 40 pests, got my stuff and scrammed outta there. It’s been over 4 years. I’m rich enough and a (bit) smarter. We’re going to give it another shot tonight.

It will be fun; most of the old gang will be there and I’ll file a Runescape Report from the Front Lines. Those are always terrific fun. 

Yeah; I missed this; it's so inviting