Monday, January 4, 2016

#ROW80 1ST QTR 2016 – POST1 – GOALS

This is gonna be one of those “goals, schmoals” kinda posts, because Jim died last May, and other than playing in the symphony, practicing and playing lots and lots of Runescape and making sure I have a viable clan (we will be eleven years old this month), I just really haven't felt like doing a whole hell of a lot of anything. I know that grieving takes time and that we all grieve in our own way, but this is a bit different.

Jim was not the love of my life, nor had we been together all that long, but he was a dear and cherished friend; someone I met when I was homeless and we took damned good care of one another. We recognized the humanity in one another, although we were worlds apart. He came from a very bucolic and rough background; worked all his life and could barely read, but he had common sense and compassion. A rarity seen in this world. He had been treated very badly by his spouse and ended up in a place he never belonged and had no way to cope with it. He was healthy enough when I met him, but there was a deep sadness there, we all could see. All I could do was mitigate it for him and make his final days, days of fun and laughter and let him know that he had friends around him who did love him.

When someone close to you dies, I don't think you can't help but reflect on all the other losses in your life and there have been so many in mine. I am alone, and there are times when I think I cannot bear the loss of one more friend, one more acquaintance, see the name of someone I may have known tangentially without completely losing it, but I'm not built that way, just as I am not built to knuckle under to any kind of force, or sickness, or malaise or illness of the mind. I am so much like my mother, but on steroids, in that sense. I possess strengths I didn't even know I had; but, I am alone. As was my mother. So, I guess it is how we are made and our destiny. The fault lies in our stars.

For my part? I was treated horribly, as has been discussed in this blog by an ex-husband, when I was at the very least, at my most vulnerable. Screaming at me to "get a goddamned job!" when I was totally blind, with congestive heart failure, I had to endure his horrendous insults, making no secret of the fact that he had a girl friend and accusing me of murdering a sick and dying feline. This is just the tip of that ice berg. I fled the home, knowing that I would have to in all likelihood take a lesser settlement. I still cannot see well enough to drive and although I can play, I cannot play as much as I would like to, because I cannot drive. I have a motor disorder, likely exacerbated by his treatment, akin to PTSD and my life is diminished due to his greed and his need to stick his dick in any old thing. The irony is that Bill Nunnally works in a Social Worker-type environment for Teri Saunders at HeartlandforChildren.org, yet he will have little to do with the “clients”. When he was interning, I did much of the running around to see the young girls when they were released. You forgot about that, didn't you, Lithia?

I have no agenda in releasing all of this information other than setting the record straight. I had my faults as well. I drank too much. Who wouldn't. That shit ended, when I left the homestead, but I never pretended to be something I wasn't. But this post isn't about that; it's about goals.

Right now, I'm not sure, where I am. I have been editing the original posts that I wrote for “Homeless Chronicles in Tampa” when I created the blog and I would like to publish those as an e-book. I've thought about dabbling in some fiction, but that is hard for me, and I'm not really creative enough to come up with some of these great plots, like Alex Cavanaugh, orJemima Pett or Damyanti G. So, I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I do know that I need to write more, as I did in the early days of #ROW80, when Andi-Roo first suggested I get into this, so I'm going to go back to what works.


Write a post a day, see what happens. It can't help but sharpen my writing craft and maybe along the way, I'll come up with some ideas for flash fiction or something. Who knows? 

6 comments:

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Sorry about so much crap in your life. Your ex-husband's abuse of you - no excuse. And I'm sorry you lost someone dear to you. But from the words you've written, you are obviously a survivor and overcomer.
You should put those posts together as a book. They would touch others.
And I bet you could write fiction. If I managed to come up with a few, you'll write something amazing.

Viola Fury said...

Alex, you're such a kind person and you've been amazingly supportive. It has been a joy to be part of the fellowship in these writing circles and with that encouragement I've taken a small leap from the fictional cliff. Thank you for all of the encouragement and kindnesses along the way. This is a fun ride!

Pat Garcia said...

Hello and Happy New Year!

You have had some trials this year and I feel where you are. And I also know it is difficult to get up and turn that around but I believe you can. Take a day at time or even an hour at time. You wrote about publishing an e-book. Then start investigating, researching and finding out what needs to be done for your e-book to come out.

Finally, I believe that everything we dish out will come back to us. So, your ex-husband will get his and it will happen when he least expect it. So let go of the bitterness and keep on marching. You can do it.

I wish you all the best and much success in 2016.
Shalom,
Patricia

Viola Fury said...

@Pat.

Thank you so much for visiting and for the words of encouragement. I think you are one of the loveliest people I have run across in many a year! I am working on investigating and publishing my memoirs, plus, I have an idea for a "novel serialization" that will incorporate part of my life and also be part fiction and will be for fun.

As to the bitterness? I don't write about the ex out of bitterness, but as a comeuppance. He knows what he is, and I will remind him of that. When I don't write about him, he's not in my head, but I damn sure know that I am in HIS and that is his cross to bear. That is what a Wallace does. Long story; dating back to 1297 or there about.

I hope that your New Year is beyond all of your expectations, for you surely deserve it. You have a light shining about you and you stand out as a beacon of all that is wonderful and good in life. Thank you so much for visiting.

I had planned on two more posts this week, but some of the Einsteins in da 'hood tried to hack my FioS, which is unhackable. I was left without any innerwebz, phone or tv for two critical days. It gave me a chance to do a ton of practicing and catch up on some reading. All the best, my dear, and thank you again! Mary <3

Jeremy David Carlisle said...

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. Secondly, loosing someone so close gives us time to reflect. It's up to us to choose what we reflect on. Yes, mostly we think of what we have lost. I will say that this can also be a time, to think of what you gain out of the loss. What memories and gifts they left behind for you.

My father passed away four years ago from an aggressive cancer. Even though it was a tough loss, I think about what he left behind for me. He was a very talented musician. Because of the genes that were passed on to me, I am able to play by ear. I try my best to keep his legacy in music going every time I pick up that viola. I think of him everytime I hear his favorite piece, Sibelius "Finlandia" or any Sibelius piece for that matter.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and I look forward to future posts. I hope my feedback finds you well.

Have a great weekend!
JDC

Viola Fury said...

@Jeremy David Carlisle

First off, I must apologize for not answering you sooner. I did not see this until just now. I'm going back in my blog and picking up any stray comments I may have missed, looking to see if there are any odd numbers of comments. I am heartily sorry for the delay.

I do have my bleak periods; I suppose if you live long enough, it's bound to happen. I also inherited my ear and perfect pitch from my father and it's very easy for me to get lost in music; as a matter of fact, I need it and always have needed to surround myself with it.

Obviously, loss is something that everyone has to deal with in their lives, one way or another. This hasn't been a great year for my dear friend Alex and me. We've lost two friends within a relatively short span of time, and both were unexpected. But, one of the ways we always honor a loss is by living our lives as fully as we know how, and if we feel a lack in our lives, we must strive to find a way to fill that need. Both of my folks are long gone, but I can look back on the gifts they left me and laugh about the things that we did together and marvel at what they taught me. So, Jeremy, you're on the right track. A wonderful Sibelius piece for you is the Sibelius Violin Concerto. See if you can find a version with Maxim Vengerov playing violin. He is a superb player and it's a gorgeous piece! Thank you, my friend for the advice; it's greatly appreciated! Mary