̶H̶o̶m̶e̶l̶e̶s̶s̶ ̶C̶h̶r̶o̶n̶i̶c̶l̶e̶s̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶T̶a̶m̶p̶a̶ Lost in the Carolinas: ROW 80 DAY 43

Thursday, August 23, 2012

ROW 80 DAY 43 – UNNATURAL DISASTERS I HAVE LOVED

I’m not sure if this is going to be about the unnatural disasters outside or the ones inside of my own head. However, instead of trying to Think Profound Thoughts and Bore You All to Death with them, I do believe it’s time for a bit of levity. Enough seriousness. Life and death is always there. As you can tell, Ma raised the second Einstein. Anyway, I decided to at least start out in the general direction of natural disasters because apparently we have a visitor on his way and his name is Isaac. I do not yet know if he’s a kosher hurricane or treyf? The fact that I even know there’s a hurricane I blame on the GOP.

Normally, I have no clue as to what’s going on and don’t much care about the weather. Here’s a secret. In times of weather, DO NOT EVACUATE! Ever! Here’s why; the one time I got caught up in an evacuation, it was an accidental evacuation and that was during the No Name Storm, or the Storm Who Shall Not Be Named, The Storm Who Shall Be Obeyed or whatever in hell the damned thing was called. And that’s another thing. What marketing genius is behind these names? If you are going to name a storm, why not name it something nasty like Hurricane Stalin? Hurricane Beelzebub? Lilith? Pol Pot? But Isaac? What are we doing here, going to a blues festival by way of Temple? Idiots.

In 2004, within about 6 weeks, we had Hurricanes Charley, Danielle, Frances and Ivan. Where I was living at the time, we were affected by all 4, in some fashion. We never evacuated. We had bad flooding at some point, but weathered through it. We had neighbors who did evacuate. Many of them ended up stuck in their cars. Many were gone for weeks. It’s not easy to evacuate in Florida. Generally, the road systems here rudimentary; one lane or two lanes. So, I stay put.

Now, we have Tropical Storm Isaac that is scheduled to show up somewhere in the neighborhood around Monday, August 23, 2012 around 8 AM. I’m wondering if Isaac is a Republican and if he is part of Team Romney. It wouldn’t surprise me if Isaac is on the GOP payroll in another attempt to perform some type of Republican fuckery against the old Romster himself. Ryan apparently backfired and the idiots of the GOP are thinking Ryan’s pretty swell with his caveman ethics regarding women, babies, gene pool-ism and all.

Since they put Ryan on the ticket, there’s been an actual uptick in support in the polls. Paul Ryan’s the only person I’ve ever seen who actually smiles upside down; is he even FROM this universe? Even outing Grandpa Munster as a financial backer didn’t slow down the Merry Pranksters of the Romney Arkham Asylum Annex. They continue unabated. The best, most ironical-est was when Romney started playing all “Enemy Within” where he basically battles himself, alá Capt. Kirk. What was up with that? It wasn’t enough to sacrifice Andrea Saul to Baal I presume, so Romney had to resort to soul-eating. Or is that self-eating? Maybe he doesn’t have a soul? Maybe I should shut up now.

On to stupider stuff. As if. I was reading some stuff on Cracked.com yesterday. Call me a kid. Call me a juvenile. Call me whatever you want. That shit is just plain funny. One of the funniest, funniest articles I read was last Sunday about how awful some of the stuff in San Francisco is, and how it has to be experienced. My favorite quote: “KFC uses flour and stray pets shipped in from Third World countries to make delicious fried chicken,”

when describing how disparate ingredients go on to make yummy delicious tastes. Mr. Adam Tod Brown goes on to say, “That doesn't happen, though. It's just beef, doughnut, cheese and bacon fighting for attention in your mouth. Eat a bacon cheeseburger, but first, drown it in syrup. That's what a doughnut burger tastes like.”

Read more: 5 Reasons San Francisco is the Worst Awesome City in America | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-reasons-san-francisco-worst-awesome-city-in-america_p2/#ixzz24O4ou4A8

Cracked, or Mr. Brown rather, is talking about a doughnut, bacon, cheeseburger in syrup. That shit doesn’t even sound good. Meanwhile, I don’t care what it sounds like. I’m so busy having apoplexy and trying to breathe. Every synapse and nerve ending is firing like mad. My eyeballs feel like they’re frying. My hands and feet are tingling and I’m rolling on the floor having a fit. This is some funny shit.

So. Yesterday. I run across this gem. I have to preface this by saying I love Nicolas Cage. One of the things I love about him most is the fact that he as absolutely one of the finest and probably the most fearless and fierce of actors I’ve ever witnessed. The fact that I’ve known his grand-uncles and been associated with the family for over 25 years (oh, THAT Coppola) means nothing. That man will do anything to drive a point across in front of a camera and when it works, it works. He has had some astounding moments and I truly get what he’s trying to do. He’s successful more often then he isn’t. But when he isn’t, you get some spectacular shit. Shit like this:

cracked.com (go to #4)