Wednesday, June 1, 2016


I’m not usually one to bemoan the state of my life or my circumstances, or complain about how I may have fallen on hard times. The truth is, I’m damned lucky to be alive and I know that, but there are times, when I feel overwhelmed by everything and any purpose or drive that I may have had seems to desert me. I’m kind of going through one of those times right now. I feel that no matter what I do, it really doesn’t matter, because I cannot seem to get out of this rut I’ve found myself in.

I recently had a job interview with a place that I was working for, when I became ill and was taken from the house I was trying to buy after a very bitter divorce, where I gave up too much, just to get away from a cruel ex-husband. I spent the better part of two years trying to hang onto the house I was trying to buy, but the people I had a “rent-to-own” had over-extended themselves on an Adjustable Rate Mortgage and they had to declare bankruptcy, thus leaving me vulnerable, so I squatted in the house and tried to hold onto it.

This certainly did nothing for my health and as I could no longer see to drive to a job, I was working from home, paying the bills, taxes and so forth, but the banks, being the greedy s.o.b.s that they are, took the house anyway.

To make a long story short, I ended up sick, homeless and in the hospital and was forced to leave my job with no notice. Six years later, I was asked to re-apply and I thought this would not be an issue. Well, it was, but they didn’t tell me they weren’t going to hire me under any circumstances until after the 3rd job interview with them. So, all of this time was wasted.

Living on Disability; a fixed income is impossible in today’s economy and I really need to do SOMETHING to make a little extra money to live comfortably.

Today, I had to go to Clinical Research and return an inhaler that was expiring today, and rather than wait for the #14 bus which runs once an hour, I walked a mile in the heat, and by the time I got to the Research place, I was having some chest pains and chills, as I’ve had heat stroke before. They made me stay there until I got settled down, and took my blood pressure and gave me an EKG which was normal. I knew it would be, because the pains in my chest are most likely neuropathy from my essential tremor because to be honest, I have the same surface pains in both shoulders, sometimes, sharp and quick, when I move; it was just a bad day.

So, rather than try and write my way out of something, I’ve just been kind of stewing and that’s really unhealthy for me. I need to try and get out of this shell I’ve crawled into. I know I will and sometimes, I just ride these things out until I'm so damned sick of myself, I just jump up in disgust and "git 'er done!" It doesn’t help that my better 2/3s is up north for the summer, working, but he has to pay his bills as well and he loves what he does. I needed to stay here, due to my Clinical Research commitments, else I would have gone north.

Anyway, just writing about this makes me feel better. Writing is a powerful tool for me, and it’s amazing how easily I can forget that, when I just sort of fall into a slump or a stupor, or whatever this is. I just have to remember that we make our own luck and no one is going to come along and do it FOR me.

So, thanks for listening to my tale of woe this month. Next month will be better. Plus, I’ll have had a full month of internet. The idiots at Frontier called me last week and asked me if my service had been restored. I said, “Are you fucking kidding me? I canceled you bastards two weeks ago! Does anybody talk to anybody else over there? Get the hell off my phone!” So, yeah. I’m getting back to normal. Peace.
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