Wednesday, June 1, 2016

#IWSG JUNE 2016 CHECK IN - WHEN INSPIRATION AND SPIRIT JUST AREN’T WORKING


I’m not usually one to bemoan the state of my life or my circumstances, or complain about how I may have fallen on hard times. The truth is, I’m damned lucky to be alive and I know that, but there are times, when I feel overwhelmed by everything and any purpose or drive that I may have had seems to desert me. I’m kind of going through one of those times right now. I feel that no matter what I do, it really doesn’t matter, because I cannot seem to get out of this rut I’ve found myself in.

I recently had a job interview with a place that I was working for, when I became ill and was taken from the house I was trying to buy after a very bitter divorce, where I gave up too much, just to get away from a cruel ex-husband. I spent the better part of two years trying to hang onto the house I was trying to buy, but the people I had a “rent-to-own” had over-extended themselves on an Adjustable Rate Mortgage and they had to declare bankruptcy, thus leaving me vulnerable, so I squatted in the house and tried to hold onto it.

This certainly did nothing for my health and as I could no longer see to drive to a job, I was working from home, paying the bills, taxes and so forth, but the banks, being the greedy s.o.b.s that they are, took the house anyway.

To make a long story short, I ended up sick, homeless and in the hospital and was forced to leave my job with no notice. Six years later, I was asked to re-apply and I thought this would not be an issue. Well, it was, but they didn’t tell me they weren’t going to hire me under any circumstances until after the 3rd job interview with them. So, all of this time was wasted.

Living on Disability; a fixed income is impossible in today’s economy and I really need to do SOMETHING to make a little extra money to live comfortably.

Today, I had to go to Clinical Research and return an inhaler that was expiring today, and rather than wait for the #14 bus which runs once an hour, I walked a mile in the heat, and by the time I got to the Research place, I was having some chest pains and chills, as I’ve had heat stroke before. They made me stay there until I got settled down, and took my blood pressure and gave me an EKG which was normal. I knew it would be, because the pains in my chest are most likely neuropathy from my essential tremor because to be honest, I have the same surface pains in both shoulders, sometimes, sharp and quick, when I move; it was just a bad day.

So, rather than try and write my way out of something, I’ve just been kind of stewing and that’s really unhealthy for me. I need to try and get out of this shell I’ve crawled into. I know I will and sometimes, I just ride these things out until I'm so damned sick of myself, I just jump up in disgust and "git 'er done!" It doesn’t help that my better 2/3s is up north for the summer, working, but he has to pay his bills as well and he loves what he does. I needed to stay here, due to my Clinical Research commitments, else I would have gone north.

Anyway, just writing about this makes me feel better. Writing is a powerful tool for me, and it’s amazing how easily I can forget that, when I just sort of fall into a slump or a stupor, or whatever this is. I just have to remember that we make our own luck and no one is going to come along and do it FOR me.

So, thanks for listening to my tale of woe this month. Next month will be better. Plus, I’ll have had a full month of internet. The idiots at Frontier called me last week and asked me if my service had been restored. I said, “Are you fucking kidding me? I canceled you bastards two weeks ago! Does anybody talk to anybody else over there? Get the hell off my phone!” So, yeah. I’m getting back to normal. Peace.

6 comments:

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

That was cruel of them to waste your time.
That call from the Internet company doesn't surprise me. I don't think people in different departments talk to each other. I still get letters from a certain magazine begging me to come back - when I've been subscribed to the e-copy for years.
Glad writing it out helped you.

Viola Fury said...

@Alex,

It really was, especially considering the company had been bought out by a competitor of another company I worked for years ago, so it was like a double-whammy. I really shouldn't have been too surprised by the call from Frontier, seeing as how they've developed obfuscation, buck-passing, back-stabbing and one-potato, two-potato, three-potato, four to a fine art. In the fifteen days I attempted getting a straight answer out of them, I've never heard such gibberish in all of my life. Everything from "the call is coming from INSIDE your house!" to "All the planets must align for us to fix this issue" seemed to be the "rational" explanation, until one young lady (to her ever-lasting regret) told me it was an "open-issue and would be fixed when it got fixed" - an honest enough answer, but not after two weeks of total palaver. I then proceeded to a-splode on her, and when she talked to me in a threatening tone, I really let her have it. The poor child will never recover.

But, this is what comes of not being honest in the first place. Had I known from the start that Frontier was a complete cock-up, I would have bailed immediately and gone back to BrightHouse. I'm now anxiously awaiting my "amended" bill, which in my math-y brain should be somewhere around 0.00 or -50.00. Anything more will result in instant litigation, which they have already been subject to; it's a no-brainer. Provide good service, or suffer the wrath of ViolaFury.

Yes, writing does help, as does playing. Not too sure why I don't instantly go there when I start feeling the megrims. I think sometimes it has to do with not feeling worthy, which just feeds back into the whole insecurity thing. Another cruel cycle, but it's why I come here and why we hang together, Alex. Thank you! <3

Juneta Key said...

Wow, we have a lot in common. I am so sorry to hear about your home. That does something to your overall well-being of security and self-confidence. I also am on a small fixed income that does not cover my expenses. I rent a room from a friend after a series of hard stuff put me in a position of almost having to live out of my car.

I have problems staying on my feet and walking or I would go get a job at Walmart. I have been looking since 2014 after losing my job, which was a hard blow to my confidence and self-esteem. It is the longest time in my life I have not worked since I was fifteen years old. I can imagine how those people leading you on like that made you feel after all the hardship you had already gone through.

Thanks for visiting my blog. I sent you an email too about the Hop.

Happy IWSG
Juneta @ Writer's Gambit

Viola Fury said...

@juneta,

Thank you for visiting! I really appreciate your comments and one of the things that is encouraging is to know that it's "Not Us". It's easy to let things like this get us down, and we have to remember that there are always hills and valleys. I basically had my life ruined by my ex-husband and his psychological games that made me doubt myself; he knew which buttons to push and when I was at a physical low (I developed cataracts and was completely blind, but he used that to double down in the psychological abuse, then later, I discovered I had congestive heart failure and while in the hospital, he found himself a girl friend - another blow to my already fragile psyche) he treated me even worse.

So, when I got out of that situation, after having one eye operated on, I really could not safely drive anymore. I had to wait 8 years for the 2nd operation, and that occurred while I was homeless and on Hillsborough County Health. However, the left eye, having not had anything to focus on, will not behave now, so, it has a tendency to do its "own thing" whatever that may be. I see well enough to read, play music, but Heaven Forfend! no one wants Mary behind the wheel!

It was during this time that I tried to buy the house and ended up becoming homeless and once again, ill. I've gotten past that, and I feel better than I did. It's just so bad that it took about 10 years to have this little "detour".

I certainly understand the stress of living on a fixed income, as well, Juneta, but one thing, I do know; we've got friends to talk to, and just being able to do that is a stress reliever. I believe that better days are ahead for both of us! I appreciate the link to the Story Time Blog, too! I'm really looking forward to that! Have a blessed day, Juneta. You're in my heart and in my prayers! I'm so happy Alex brought us together! <3

Andrea said...

The third interview?!?! Ugh!!! What an unfair tease.

Viola Fury said...

@Andrea!

Thanks for stopping by! Yes, the 3rd interview. What is interesting is one of their Project Managers contacted me for a Sr. Gaming Platform position; I told him to take a hike and wiped my hands clean of the whole company. It turns out to have been a good move, as I'm playing professionally again. But, to have me hoping and I first spent money on a landline phone I really didn't need, yada yada, was just, yes, cruel and no way to run a business. I'm running around like crazy after 5 little kittens too, so I'm really happy to NOT be on the phones all the time. Thanks again for stopping by, Andrea! <3